in a small corner of my mind,
in my brain where synapses fire and chemicals react,
it's still there. and it manifests
as a numb emptiness in the center of my chest.
i shut out the world.
i close my eyes and try to see--try to feel--
but it isn't the same.
no dull ache; no heavy breath; no sobbing sadness.
it's there--i know it is!
but time and trials and tears
have buried it like so many leaves turned to dirt
on a quiet forest floor.
sometimes there are flashes--smoke signals to lead my way:
when i hear your voice from my mouth, or see your smile in my mirror
but always, always, i find a dead end
when i thought i had found the trail.
how heartless of my brain to hide you.
how my heart wills my mind to uncover!
i fear i've lost you on purpose, to soothe my pain,
but all the same it seems so cruel.
i have you, but i don't have you.
all i have is what remains.
and with each minute, day, month, and year,
the memory is farther away.