It's All Too Much...

My thoughts are all jumbly today. I am feeling a little anxious because it's payday on Friday and I have bills that should really have been paid LAST payday...but I'm trying to not worry about it too much. Not very much I can do about it, and we're all still alive and healthy, right?

I had a lot I wanted to write about, and of course I didn't sit down earlier and even jot any of it down, so now it's pretty much gone from my brain. I swear I've got some sort of memory disorder. I often forget what I'm saying before I'm even finished with a sentence. Or maybe it's just "mommy brain" - the extended version. Hard to say.

I trudged up the hill to the park today, and although I've been letting the older kids walk lately, I decided I didn't feel like dealing with their dawdling today so I pulled 'em in the wagon. About halfway there I remembered why I started letting the older ones walk: THEY'RE HEAVY! I was sort of glad it was cool out today because I was sweating and breathing heavy way before we got to the park. I got a nice little surprise when we got there, too--they put in some park benches. I used to have to sit on the (inevitably wet) grass if I wanted to sit at the park. And man, did I feel like sitting when we got there today!

I love the park. I'm going to be so sad when it's too cold/snowy to go there. I love autumn, but I'm really, really sad to see the summer go this year. It's been good times only being indoors after the sun goes down. Not looking forward to tromping through the snow with stacks of wood for the fire. Sigh...such is life I guess.

My husband called me this morning and asked me to spam craigslist and make flyers for his photography in a last-ditch effort to get some senior photo business. I don't mind doing it, but sometimes it drives me nuts that he just calls up and expects me to do whatever it is he decided needs done today. I've got my own schedule going on here! Just because there isn't a timeclock doesn't mean I don't have tasks I'd like to accomplish. Such is the plight of stay-at-home moms...everybody just thinks you're sitting around watching soap operas and eating bonbons all day... (for the record, I'm reading a book and drinking coffee all day. BIG difference)

Anyway. Off to the flyer-making business. I think I've proven my statement that my mind is jumbly today, because I don't even know what the heck this post was about. Next time I'll just get the little one to come in here and mash on the keyboard for a few minutes, it might be more interesting.

Time to Think

I gave up sitting at the computer to try and write this. Unfortunately, pen and paper is turning out to be no less difficult. I can sit aimlessly on the porch watching the kids play in the yard, but as soon as I start doing something they're all over me like pink at a princess party. Arguments over toys and personal space abound. They're thirsty, hungry, bored, and have to pee. My hair is a handy and conveniently located rope to an attempted siege of my lap. My pen-wielding arm is a perfectly positioned ladder rung. What is up with all this sudden attention-seeking behavior? It's like they can sense as soon as my mind wanders away from trains and tiaras on to something more...adult-like. How do they do that? And when's a girl supposed to find time to think?!
Apparently, "finding time to think" is a common problem--common enough that there are businesses out there dedicated to helping you find it. Go ahead, Google it. Almost all the links I encountered were for businesses/consulting firms promising to help you find time to think...at work (HUH?! if you can't find time to think about work when you're at work, try doing it in the presence of four children under the age of 5!). Now, try searching for "stay at home moms time alone" and pretty much every result stresses the importance of finding time for yourself when you're home with kids all day. Ahh, that's better. I wholeheartedly agree. Anyway. No matter who you are or what it is you need to think about, it's apparently a fairly common human phenomenon.
In the realm of parenthood, this issue can be exceptionally challenging. I find it difficult to even make it all the way through a bathroom break without an interruption. A little creativity is often in order to make it through the week at least partially sane (I'll shoot for totally sane when the kids are a little older).
Today, I have invoked an extremely powerful (and highly looked-down-upon) trick for finding a few minutes of relative peace: TV. It's a method I try to avoid, but like all guilty pleasures, it often entices me when I'm feeling weak and desperate. I know for some letting TV "babysit" is a cardinal sin, but I find that, in moderation, it can be a sanity lifesaver. Wisely choosing what your kids watch takes away a little of the guilt, although this form of distraction is hardly the best option to find some much-needed "quiet time." Use it sparingly, but don't feel terrible if you give in to it now and again. For the record, I'd like to remind you that "The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that kids under 2 years old not watch any TV and that those older than 2 watch no more than 1 to 2 hours a day of quality programming"(source). Take the kids out and run 'em around the block to shake off the TV coma afterwards.
20 minutes of TV was ample time to let myself relax and focus on writing. Here are some other helpful "thinking time" aids:

-Get them involved in something.
A game, drawing/coloring, Play-Doh...something cooperative and creative that you can step aside and let them do without having to totally focus on supervision. I find stuff like this to be especially effective when I'm doing something like writing, since the kids think that I'm "drawing" and they are only too happy to do the same thing that I am. Of course, if your child is under 2, this might be more of a headache than a help. Use your best judgment.

-Get 'em OUT.
Now that I have kids of my own, I can completely understand why my mom was always ushering us out the door to play. Getting the kids out to run around is an excellent way to focus their attention on something other than having your attention. I definitely notice how much needier my kids are on days when we can't go outside. Even better than heading out the front door: bring whatever you're working on to the park. This is especially effective if there are other kids around.

-Naptime.
Naptime doesn't always pan out in my house--someone decides to take nap at a different time, wakes up early, or doesn't fall asleep at all. But on most days this is at least one hour of pure solitude!! Make the most of it. I used to try and fit as many chores as I could in to this time of day, but I've learned that it's much more wisely spent as a resting period for me, too.

-Let someone else take over.
Unless you leave the house entirely, this one is not necessarily effective. I can tell my husband he's in charge for a while, but that doesn't mean my kids will agree to leave me alone :p Working this out with Dad so that he gets them involved in an activity while you sit and have a cup of coffee can really make you feel refreshed, though. And FYI, on average moms spend more time alone with their kids than dads do so...you're doing Dad and kids a favor by encouraging them to spend some time without you (source). Don't forget about grandparents and aunts/uncles if they're nearby-- I know mine always want to take my children whether I'm interested or not. Let them take your kids for a few hours and treat yourself to uninterrupted silence!

-Take a nice long bath/shower.
Just remember to lock the door. And see above suggestion, since you obviously can't lock your kids out when you're home alone with them :D

-Use household chores to your advantage.
Sometimes if my kids see me bent at a task like dishes, they'll find something else to do and leave me to it. Tasks like this have the advantage of taking minimal brainpower to accomplish, so I can let my mind wander while I wash.

I can't say that any of these suggestions are foolproof, and a lot of their effectiveness will depend on the age and temperament of your children. But they do offer at least a chance for you to focus and spend time doing something that matters to you. It might be slightly interrupted "thinking time," but it's good to find it when and where you can.

Kids are amazing, fun, and challenging. I love spending my days with them. But I also love an occasional moment or two of peace and quiet. It's not too much to ask for. I believe it refreshes me enough to be even better at my fight-resolving, snack-making, lap-offering parenting tasks. If you have other suggestions of good ways to find a little "me time," please feel free to offer them up. I'm always interested to see how other moms make life with little ones a little less hectic.

A return, a restart

I had such grand notions for this blog when I first created it. I planned out the kinds of things I was going to write about, I made layouts, and I was really excited. Then, when it came to actually starting it, as is my typical style, I quickly fizzled out. Over a year has passed, and after finally managing to remember my password, here I am again, staring at my potential. I'm ready to try this again.
I *was* going to delete my first two posts and pretend they never happened, but after re-reading them I decided I enjoyed them and they should stay. It's important in this whole re-defining myself struggle to recognize my shortcomings, right? So a big one is that I daydream about things, and sometimes even start them, but then never follow through. Here's to trying again.
My life has changed even more since the last time I wrote in this blog. Money is tighter, my jeans are (slightly) looser, and I've got one or two extra little ones running around on the weekdays. I've got a lot to uncover about myself still, and exactly how one balances being a full-time stay and home mom and a full-time, interesting, intelligent person at the same time. Can it be done? I think I've made a little headway in the last year, but there's still more to find out.
So, here's me pressing the "restart" button. Please close any programs that may be running...

At least at work there's a time clock

I am having trouble accepting my new identity as a stay-at-home mom. This is very surprising to me, because I didn't even like my job before, and even though I knew it wouldn't be an easy "job," I was fairly certain I'd feel more at ease with the way I was living my life once I started staying home. Perhaps I just hyped it up too much, or maybe the learning curve is just a little steeper than I thought it would be. Even though I know better, I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing enough every day.

I don't want to be one of those women who complains about how hard it is to stay at home all day, but then sits around watching soap operas and spending their husband's earnings. (By the way, I don't even know if those women exist, it's just a fear of mine that I will become something similar, or at least viewed as such by others). I feel like if I'm going to be at home, things should be clean and organized and under control.

Apparently my (almost) two-year-old didn't get that memo.

I started out this morning to do a few simple chores; I learned my lesson last week about big lists, so I made it much shorter today. All I wanted to do was put away the laundry. Unfortunately, because putting the laundry away involves going downstairs to the laundry room and then upstairs to the bedrooms, it became more of a production than I expected. I grabbed my basket of laundry and the new baby, then tried to wrangle the toddler up the stairs (he loves going upstairs, but of course today he just wanted to run away from me). After enlisting every appendage I had to hike up the stairwell, I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get the little one to stop crying and the big one to stop running down the hallway to the top of the stairs (every time he does it I can just see him tumbling down them, it scares me so badly). I finally decided that the only solution to stopping the baby from crying was to put him in his sling carrier...but this meant *another* trip down the stairs and back up.

My 10-minute chore ended up taking about an hour, and I still didn't fully finish it. After that, I got a little depressed about attempting chores, and now it's 4:45 and I'm not really sure what we did with the rest of our day. I know there was a lot of sitting down to breastfeed...and we did manage to make it to the grocery store.

I am just starting to wonder how other stay-at-home moms I know manage to have any hair left on their heads. Here's to hoping that time and experience will make a big difference.

The Definition of Accomplishment

For much of the day today, I felt more like a hunk of granite than a human being-huge, inert, and seemingly useless. Nothing I had done by 4:00 today seemed productive or even interesting. Despite my despair at having done nothing worth mentioning all day, I found myself struggling to invent things for myself to do. I have felt utterly paralyzed all day long-tied down by my indecision and (dare I say it!) lack of creativity.

This feeling of being paralyzed has been haunting me a lot lately. I think a big part of the problem is having a lot more time on my hands now that I'm staying at home with my children. Another part of the problem is that although the children do occupy a good portion of this newfound "free time," I am still passing many hours feeling like I haven't done anything at all. There is very little that is tangible about breastfeeding a newborn every two hours, especially when the grass hasn't been mowed in two weeks and the sink is still full of dirty dishes. Sure, I can pat myself on the back at his two-month appointment for having helped him grow so well. However, in the meantime, I'm stuck watching the clock, and wondering how I could have accomplished so little even though my typical morning starts at 6 am.

By the time evening rolled around, I had spent all morning doing things I wasn't interested in doing and all afternoon lamenting the loss of my morning. I knew it was time to crush the cycle of doubt and self-pity that was making me so miserable, but I wasn't sure how to do it. The answer came in a form much simpler than I had imagined. As often happens, I was saved by the simplicity of youthful imagination.

My older son, James, was in just as terrible of a mood as I was for much of the day today. He acted out, cried when he didn't get his way, and was generally the opposite of the sweet little boy that I know and love. I imagine at least part of this was my fault, since children have an uncanny ability to sense things like tension and frustration. Therefore, as I sat on my couch this evening attempting to free myself from my stubborn, self-inflicted troubles, I began to feel terrible about James and the way his day had panned out. My new mission became to change the course of the day for both of us, to cheer us both up. The answer to my problem became obvious in this moment.

The way to solve my problem was as simple as just doing something. As easy as that sounds, it took me all day to figure it out. After I got my younger son settled down from his umpteenth diaper change of the day, however, I made a break for it-literally. I ran out my front door screaming animatedly (which of course was an excellent way to get the attention of a two-year-old). Suddenly I went from a lump on the couch to a happy lunatic being chased by a toddler through the front yard! I was a hastily hidden villain being stalked by my son, the hero! I was a puppy, earnestly barking at my beloved master James! Yes, there were moments when I felt ridiculous as I yelled and barked and crawled across my front lawn, but feeling ridiculous never felt quite so good before. My son's honest, wholehearted laughter was enough to overcome any anxities. I'm not sure what possessed me to take charge of my day in this manner, but I know that it worked, and I won't soon forget how well it worked.

I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my new position in life today. I've been treating every day like a job where I needed concrete accomplishments to feel successful. What I should be doing is enjoying the fact that I don't have to have concrete evidence of accomplishment to consider my time wisely spent. All I need is an honest giggle or a heartfelt hug to know that I've done my "job" for the day. And although the laundry and the dishes still need done on a consistent basis, I will try to remind myself that even if the only thing I do in any given day is feed my children and make them smile, I have done something productive. Some day, my children will think back on their childhood fondly, and as they wax nostalgic about their crazy (but fun!) mother, they'll hopefully find the energy and strength they need to accomplish whatever they need to do-even if it's just to get their lazy butt off the couch and stop feeling sorry for themselves.