Lately, it's seemed like there's entirely too much on my plate. And I've been having trouble coping. There are so many things that I want to do, but they all get lost in the ins and outs of our day-to-day. Summer is in full swing, and I've been making an effort to take my children to the park every day. Not because I have to, but because I want to. But just that simple task creates complications for the rest of the day. Going to the park means taking my husband to work. Taking my husband to work means coming back in four hours to pick him up for lunch. And then the kids fall asleep in the car, later on refusing their "real" nap because their little kid logic is convinced that the 10 minutes in the car was long enough.
This cycle keeps repeating itself. And some days I'll forgo my park-every-day goal and decide to just stay home, because it feels like we're never here lately. But then my husband will need me to run an errand. Or my grandma will ask me to stop by for something. Or my sister will want to spend the day at the lake. None of these things are bad or wrong or even undesirable. But they do manage to suck us back in to the cycle.
Then there's stuff like this blog. Things that I love so much and hold so dear. And even when there is time, I feel so anxious about the other things that I'm not doing that I can't concentrate on it. I open this interface to write a post and nothing comes. Or I write half of something and decide that it's unworthy. Then I decide to read other blogs and can't even muster the energy to leave comments.
I haven't cleaned my entire house now for two weeks. My laundry is done, but is wrinkling in baskets as we speak. I have 3 days worth of dishes sitting on my kitchen counter. When I decided to stay at home, I thought this would be my "job"--the upkeep of our house. It can be spotless! I'll have so much time to do it! I thought. Man, I was wrong. Either that, or I'm just really bad at being a homemaker. Either way, my job description now is child entertainer/errand runner. Oh, and do a load of laundry before you leave for the library.
I'm coming to terms with all of this; I'm trying to work on some of it, and I'm trying to be ok with letting some of it slide. Because even though I stay at home with my children all day, I still don't have time to "do it all." Maybe some people do. And I applaud them. But for me, a day with smiling children, and perhaps dinner on the table at a reasonable time, is enough. It has to be.